alqualonde's Diaryland
Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Country Roads
It’s been 21 years since I first started this diary. Pretty nuts when you think about it. I feel like a whole other person, yet in some ways I am still dealing with many of the same issues, such as online harassment and threats. In other news, my life has vastly improved since my last entry. My living situation is much better. I have my own place with my dog now, whereas previous landlords wouldn’t let me have pets. No more crazy housemates trying to seduce me, fighting in the middle of the night, or stealing my stuff. My landlady is super sweet and kind and I feel really secure on her property, which is in the middle of the forest with surveillance cameras all around. My job is really good. I have affordable health insurance. The town I live in now is beautiful and people are super down to earth and nice. People no longer try to get me fired over my face (fuck California), and I rarely have rude interactions with customers anymore because people are not evil here.
I don’t bother to make friends anymore because the same shit has been happening over and over and over again since high school. The pattern is that I try to prioritize making female friends, decentering men, and women eventually turn on me, abusing me, using me and trying to sabotage my life. So I’ve given up on female solidarity. It might be different in my new area, but frankly I just have no inclination to try anymore with people. Women get extremely sexually crazed and jealous if you are prettier than them or they sense you are a threat in any kind of way. One lady I used to be friends with suddenly turned on me as soon as she was promoted at our company, and then she tried to get me fired. Everyone hated her by the time she left the company. I was so disgusted by her greed and cruelty. I’ve had other women curse/hex me because they were mad i was prettier, or because I was dating a man they wanted, etc. One girl turned against me simply because I offered to help her get her drivers license… people can’t stand it when you are authentically kind and caring… that’s the pattern I’ve noticed. I have one really good friend, my best friend Kat, so beyond that I dont need anyone else and I’m fine alone.
In other news, I also met the love of my life. We broke up for a little while, but now we are back together and he is saving money to move to be with me again, though it may take awhile. I really miss him but we’ve been talking on the phone a lot lately so it helps.
I also paid off my credit card and I’m now saving money for a new car. My love and I were considering getting an RV and traveling around in that and selling our stuff at various craft shows to make money. Then we plan to buy land and build our own house.
All in all I’m on track to a better future and things are going a lot better for me. I really think I’m coming into a new “era” in my life and I finally feel like it’s safe to have faith that things can really get better and improve for me. I think about my past and all the people I’ve had a falling out with and all the pain they caused me or I caused myself by giving them the benefit of the doubt, and I realize how it was part of a larger journey to become the person I am now and that I’m glad I’m no longer entrenched in those self destructive scenarios, giving my time to people who never gave a damn about me and weren’t worth an ounce of my consideration. I actually feel like the people i encounter on a daily basis value my presence, would be sad if i were gone, etc… and i believe that’s mainly because when you grow detached, people are suddenly magnetized to you, especially when you don’t tell them a whole lot about yourself. People talk about their personal lives at work and I’ve never understood that.
I also have a great career. My sister hates me (even made posts about it online) because she thinks my life is perfect, which is hilarious. But ironically, after cutting her out of my life, it is gradually becoming perfect. After how she has treated me over the years, i won’t be inviting her to our wedding or trying to reach out to her anymore. My relationship with my parents is a lot better. I’ve discarded, donated and sold a lot of my material possessions in anticipation of living a minimalist life. My love is doing the same and we plan to build an earth integrated house together.
5:50 a.m. - 2024-03-09
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|